#Positively Stressed - Week 20
Some people may not want to read this post – and I completely understand. But when we talk about stress, we need to talk about one of the most profound sources of both acute and chronic stress – losing a loved one.
Right now, I’m in the process of losing my grandfather.***
Grief, as the academic literature tells us, tends to pass through five core emotions: bargaining, anger, acceptance, sadness, and denial.
In my case, I haven’t done much bargaining. I wasn’t even supposed to have this relationship. My grandfather had a serious heart condition before I was born. But I was beyond lucky to be raised by a man whose influence will shape how I raise my children and how I live my life – and that is all that I can ask for.
I’m not angry either. We lived the best life we could, and I got to say goodbye in person before returning home to the home I have built with my wife and daughter.
When it comes to acceptance, I saw it in him. During our last visit, I watched a once-giant of a man gracefully confront the end of his journey and I was able to see his quality of life diminishing. He missed my grandma. And I know that we left nothing unsaid.
But that still leaves sadness and denial – and that’s mostly where I’m living right now.
For over 30 years, my grandfather was a constant – my mentor, teacher, problem-solver. An engineer by trade and a well of wisdom by nature. In the not-so-distant future, I will lose that stability, that relationship – and that is depressing.
So I lean into denial – mainly for self-preservation. After 15 years of living far from my biological family, it’s easy to pretend he’s just busy. Denial lets me function without being immobilized by the chronic sadness.
And that, too, is part of grief.
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***My grandfather passed away early Monday morning, after I had written this. But the message is still the same - strong emotions (including grief) are a natural part of life and will impact our mental health. So watch out for friends and family when they are going through periods of strong emotions.
